The Gingerbread Man

Once upon a time, there was a little old man and a little old lady.

One day, the little old lady said to the little old man, “Let’s make ourselves a gingerbread man.”

So they mixed up the dough, rolled it out, and shaped a little body, with two little arms, two little legs, and a little head. They added two little raisin eyes, a little raisin nose, and with white glaze, gave the gingerbread man a big smile and decorations around his wrists and ankles.

Then, they put him in the oven and waited.

“Ahh…it’s nice and toasty in here,” said the Gingerbread Man as the oven started to heat up.

“Did you say something?” the little old lady said to the little old man.

The little old man looked up from his newspaper. “Heh?” (The little old lady and the little old man were both hard of hearing).

Then, there was a tapping on the oven door.

“Um, excuse me? It’s me…the Gingerbread Man. It’s starting to get uncomfortably hot in here and I was (Ow! Ow!) wondering if you could possibly (Ow!) let me out? It’s (Ow!) to the point now where (Ow!) my feet can’t (Ow!) stand on this cookie sheet and I—Oof!AAAAH! OH-OWWWOWOWOW! HELP ME! I’VE SLIPPED AND HAVE FALLEN ON MY BACK AND I CAN’T GET UP AND I’M BURNING SWEET MOTHER OF MARY HOW IT BURNS! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY OPEN THE OVEN DOOR AND LET ME OUT IT BURNS OH MERCIFUL SAVIOR HOW IT BURNS! IT’S SO HOT IN HERE I CAN’T BREATHE! IF THERE’S A GOD IN HEAVEN I BESEECH YOU—SAVE ME FROM THIS WRETCHED FURNACE! OWWWWOW OW OW OW…ow…ohhh…I…I see the light…I…I’m going home…going…home…”

The little old lady looked up. “I think the gingerbread man is done!”

“Heh?” said the little old man. He hadn’t heard any of the Gingerbread Man’s pleas for help, and the little old lady just thought all that racket was kids playing outside.

The little old lady opened the oven door and took out the Gingerbread Man; the aroma lured the little old man into the kitchen. He peered over the little old lady’s shoulder at the freshly baked Gingerbread Man.

“Good God, woman—why’d you make him look so grotesque? Look at his face, it’s like he’s being tortured!”

The little old lady didn’t remember decorating the Gingerbread Man that way, but shrugged it off and said, “I don’t know—do you want some gingerbread or not?”

The little old man picked up the Gingerbread Man and bit his head off; the little old lady tore off both legs and shoved them in her mouth.

And they both burned their tongues, it was so hot.

*A parody of the classic fairy tale “The Gingerbread Man” (obviously).*