A Brief Unauthorized Biography Of Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber was born in the remotest, Frenchiest part of Canada in 1994 under mysterious circumstances. Long story short, there was no father, and baby (baby, baby) Justin’s midi-chlorians were OFF THE CHARTS.
This being the case, young Justin quickly grew to have the strength of ten men, a development that led to him dropping out of school after the third grade to work full-time as a professional Jean-Claude Van Damme impersonator. But while the faux celebrity kickboxing circuit offered good money, during this time Justin was also indulging his softer side, posting videos to YouTube which featured him singing Ministry songs while accompanying himself on the auto harp.
It was these videos which eventually caught the eyes of Usher and Justin Timberlake, two noted figures in both the worlds of “Harpistry” (Ministry/auto harp mashups) and kickboxing movie star tribute acts. Unbeknownst to ANYONE, Usher and Timberlake were also involved in the music biz–each of them even owned a record label, which was REALLY unbeknownst–and a bidding war soon broke out between them to sign young phenom Bieber to his label. The war was eventually decided by an insane krump-off, which was won by Usher (interesting side note: Lou Pearlman, participating in the krump-off via live satellite feed from prison, placed a close third).
Usher then groomed his new signee for stardom, by which I mean he fed him lots of protein to develop Bieber’s shiny coat, cleaned his teeth, had him de-wormed, flushed his anal glands, and got him to sing more mainstream fluffy pop love songs. He also trained Bieber to stop roundhouse-kicking his fans in the face, and did so using only one of those clicker things.
And the rest, as they say, is Harpistry history.
SUPER BONUS ADDENDA
EXCLUSIVE TO THE ONLINE BLOG EDITION OF
A BRIEF UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF JUSTIN BIEBER:
***TWO SUPER BIEBER FUN FACTS!***
1) Contrary to a popular and persistent rumor, Justin Bieber is NOT a motion-capture performance performed by famed motion-capturist Andy Serkis. But his girlfriend, “Disney star Selena Gomez”, is.
2) Bieber often gets unfairly maligned as the poster child for the supposedly sorry state of today’s pop music, but the fact is, it’s Barry Manilow’s fault, for he is Music, and he writes the songs.