…and on the 8th day, micro fiction was published on some dude's blog.

Fattius Grumples III

There once was a King named Fattius Grumples III.

King Fattius Grumples III was mean and grumpy, and he perspired a lot (probably because he was also very fat).

Fat, sweaty King Fattius Grumples III ruled over the citizens of Sweetsylvania like a big, fat, sweaty royal jerkface. He sat on his throne like a blob, day after day, barking orders at his servants until his face was a sweaty ball of crimson.

One of the things he yelled for the most was candy. King Fattius Grumples III loved candy (one of the reasons he was so fat and sweaty).

CAAAAAAANDY!” he’d bellow, and the servants would come running with sweet treats for the King to eat. King Fattius Grumples III would stuff his face until he could barely breathe and then he’d sit there on his throne, panting, his face and hands smeared with chocolate.

Every day, King Fattius Grumples III would eat more and more candy, until one day, between bites, he said, “I want a BIGGER-sized candy! BIGGER!” Half-eaten chocolate sprayed out of his mouth as he screamed.

Davey, one of the King’s lowliest servants, was the only one who dared speak up.

“W-w-well, Your Highness, w-why don’t we just b-bring you a lot more of the regular-sized candy?”

King Fattius Grumples III sat up in his throne, veins bulging from his forehead, his man boobs jiggling with rage.

NOOOOOOO! That’s TOO MANY WRAPPERS to unwrap! I want a big-sized candy–as big as TWO of the regular size–in ONE WRAPPER! NOW MAKE IT HAPPEN!

The servants scattered. Davey went to the Royal Chocolatiers and got them to make special candy that had double the regular amount in one wrapper. This special size became known throughout the land as “King Fattius Grumples III Size”, which over the years became shortened to what we know it as today: King Size.

And that’s why, even today, you’ve probably always felt guilty whenever you scarfed down a King Size candy bar. Subconsciously, you were aware that you were perpetuating the legacy of a fat, sweaty tyrant.

But now that you know the story…

…eh, what are ya gonna do? NOT eat a questionably large portion of the candy you love?

I mean, this was really more of a “hey, it’s kind of interesting how this product we take for granted came about”-type story, not a “the morally right response is to avoid this or feel guilty about it”-thing, you know?


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6 thoughts on “Fattius Grumples III

  1. They haven’t made them yet, but a king sized Milky Way Simply Caramel would probably be lethal. What an amusing way to carry out a Death Sentence. Call Texas immediately!

  2. A+ on the name, A++on how many times you used the word “sweaty.” And I will NEVER feel guilty about my questionably large portions of candy! What, were you paid off by the Mars Fun Size Mafia? You will never take me down, you hear me? NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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