The murmuring in the conference room stopped cold the moment he entered.
He slowly made his way to the podium, and amidst a barrage of photo flashes, straightened his papers, put on his reading glasses, cleared his throat, and addressed those assembled:
“Good afternoon. Thank you for being here today. I called this press conference to simply say:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things. I’m sorry for that Kardashian wedding mess. For Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton. For Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley kissing onstage that one year at the Video Music Awards. For David Gest and Liza Minnelli. For pretty much every relationship Jennifer Lopez has ever had.
I could spend all day naming celebrity couples, but I won’t. You can see where I’m going with that. So I’ll just also say I’m sorry to people like Connie Dupree of Gainesville, Florida. I’m sorry Brandon dumped you at the prom last year; I did not see that happening when I put you two together.
I’m sorry to all the kids whose parents are getting divorced who think it’s their fault or don’t understand what’s happening. I’m sorry to all the couples who want to be together but can’t be because of religious or racial or ethnic or any other kind of prejudice you can think of. I’m sorry to the couples I put together who can’t make that committment official because of whatever laws do or don’t exist that keep it from happening.
What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry to anyone who’s ever been on the wrong side of love, who’s experienced the frustrating or heartbreaking parts of it–which is just about everyone–because I’ve had something to do with it.”
And at this point, his voice broke a little–“And that weighs on me. It’s hard being in charge of love. It’s certainly not an exact science, and I’m only one cherub.
But, I just wanted to say that I promise you, I try my best. And when it doesn’t work out, all I can do is say: I’m sorry. Thank you for listening.”
He gathered up his papers and exited quickly amongst another barrage of flashes, without taking questions.