Cowboy vs. Spaceship Captain vs. Pizza Delivery Guy
The stage lights came up and the camera zoomed in on the moderator as he turned to face the audience.
“Good evening, and welcome to tonight’s debate. The format for tonight will be as follows: I will pose a question directly to a particular candidate, and he or she will have one minute to respond. After their response, the other candidates will have a minute each to respond as well, if they choose. But first, the opening statements. Thirty seconds each, and we’ll start with you, Cowboy.”
Cowboy slowly pushed his hat back on his forehead and cleared his throat. “Thank yuh, ‘n good evenin’ tuh y’all. Folks ask me all thuh cotton-pickin’ time why ah’m runnin’ fer office. ‘N yuh know whut? Ah reckon the best reason ah kin thank of is–shoot. Us cowboys is hard workers. Y’all want crime tuh go down? Y’all want more jobs? Well, heck–yuh kin be darn tootin’ ah’ll do muh best tuh make it happ’n. Ah russle cattle fer uh livin’–governin’ cain’t be much harder n’at, ah reckon.”
A few mumbles of approval. Then, “Thank you, Cowboy. Spaceship Captain, your opening statement.”
“Thank you, and good evening, citizens of our star system. I stand before you tonight as someone you probably wouldn’t expect to be running for office. I mean, why would I? I’ve already explored the galaxy, served honorably in intergalactic combat, brokered the peace accords between the Gromlaks and Ventipods of planet Jaanus Sorokin, and still command one of the largest spaceships in the entire Intergalactic Forces–all while raising two beautiful children and feeding a husband who loves to eat!” A few muffled laughs, then, “Why don’t I retire and hit the lecture circuit? I’ll tell you why: Because there is still work to do, and if elected, I’ll be able to do it, and do it successfully. My track record speaks for itself. Thank you.”
More mumbles of approval. Then, “And, last but not least, Pizza Delivery Guy, your opening statement.”
Pizza Delivery Guy coughed and leaned into the microphone. “Um, I…uh, really don’t know how I ended up onstage here. I got the call for a delivery, I showed up backstage, and next thing I know, someone’s pushing me out here to this podium. But I will say this: Someone placed a call from this building and ordered two large pepperoni pizzas. They’re sitting backstage right now, fresh out of the oven, and before I leave here tonight, someone is going to pay for those pizzas.”
Later that night, after the debate had ended, the pundits were unanimous: Pizza Delivery Guy was the clear victor. He earned high marks in particular for not backing down over the pizzas, and also for his ideas on easing the tensions between Iran and Israel.