You know me already and you don’t even know it.
I was the first guy to look at a pig and say, “Save the belly when it’s slaughtered; smoke it, then slice that meat into thin strips and cook ’em in a skillet.”
I was the one who convinced a young Tom Selleck to grow a mustache. I told a mild-mannered, nebbishy insurance salesman named Sal Daley to change his name to Salvador Dalí and let his freak flag fly. I convinced Liza Minnelli to take the role of Lucille Ostero on Arrested Development. I introduced Cyndi Lauper to Capt. Lou Albano, and it was me who whispered in Steven Bochco’s ear, “A cop show…where all the characters SING.”
I was the one who looked at a pumpkin and said, “I bet you could make a really good pie out of one of those things.”
I was the one sitting in on the General Mills pitch meeting who suggested, “Chocolate chip cookie cereal”; I’m the one who sent an anonymous letter to Bill Watterson all those years ago that simply read “Comic strip idea: Young boy and his stuffed tiger doll.”
I invented popping-and-locking, discovered dinosaurs, and wrote the “Ma Ma Se Ma Ma Sa Ma Ma Coo Sa” part of “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'”.
And that’s just what I remember off the top of my head. I’m responsible for all of these things and more.
My name is Mr. Awesomecauser, and you’re welcome.