Walter sighed, smiled wearily, and once again recited–as naturally as he could–his stock answer to the question that apparently wasn’t going to go away during this campaign:
“As I’ve said before, I am a Richard Marxist.
The Richard Marxist world view contains several facets. In brief, we are part nihilist but part optimist; we’re driven, and we’re loyal. Or, to put all that another way:
We believe that it don’t mean nothin’, the words that they say…but at the same time, we firmly believe that time is all we have until the day we say goodbye, and that America’s Endless Summer Nights are ahead of us, not behind us. We won’t give up until we’re satisfied. And, wherever you go, whatever you do, we will be right here waiting for you.”
Then, anticipating the follow-up question–the question that was ALWAYS the follow-up question–he motioned towards his head and added, “Also, I am an Orthodox Richard Marxist, and that is why I wear my hair in the traditional mullet style of yore.”
Walter honestly didn’t understand why he constantly needed to outline his party’s entire platform like this when all he was doing was running for Tax Collector in a county whose population couldn’t’ve been more than 100,000. He figured the fact that he was a CPA with a good reputation and a family man to boot would’ve been all anyone needed to know.
But he also knew his views were outside the mainstream, so if people kept asking, he figured the least he could do was answer honestly.
After all, the last thing he wanted was for anyone to look into his eyes and realize he’d been tellin’ lies, as if he were some sort of Paula Abdulist or something.