Veronica flipped through the book, perusing her options, then stopped about halfway through and looked up at the man behind the counter.
“Andre.” He pointed to his name tag.
“Ah, yes: Andre. Should’ve seen that. Andre, I’m liking some of these styles, but I’m wondering if you have any response cards that list–in addition to “accepts with pleasure” and “declines with regret”–the options “accepts with regret” and “declines with pleasure”.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Well, Andre, here’s the deal: Deaner and I” (and here she motioned to the gigantic man looming over her right shoulder) “are already married. Tell ‘im what you do for a living, sweetie.”
“I’m a part-time MMA fighter, part-time garbage sculptor.”
“Andre, my husband is a part-time MMA fighter and part-time garbage sculptor. We exchanged vows at the Love-A-Dub-Dub Bubble Bath Chapel in Vegas roughly forty-eight hours after we first met. So the marriage is a done deal, and though Deaner’s family is still pretty much a mystery to me, I can say without hesitation that not all of my family is exactly on board with our union. We’re having an after-the-fact reception not too long from now. I’m inviting everyone, and I figured those extra options would give me more of an idea where we stand with all of them.”
Andre raised his eyebrows and nodded affirmatively. “In that case,” he said, closing the book Veronica had been studying and pushing it aside as he brought a new book out from under the counter, “we have something for just such a situation.”
He flipped through the pages. “Ah! And here it is.” He spun the book around for Veronica to see; Deaner was distracted staring at a moth hovering around the overhead fluorescent lighting.
Veronica looked at the invitation, which read “Guess what? We’re already married–DEAL” on the front, and on the back, space for the event details and the following response options:
1) Will Attend–Nothing I can do about it now. Congrats?
2) Will Attend and act all passive-aggressively standoffish towards you both the entire evening.
3) Will Attend and will spend the evening urging you to get an annulment. It would be like the whole thing never happened!
4) Will NOT Attend, because I DO NOT APPROVE. (Wagging finger). HARRUMPH!
“It’s our ‘We Eloped’ special,” said Andre proudly.
“You’re a man after my own heart.” said Veronica. “We’ll take a hundred, plus envelopes. And you’re invited, of course.”
Andre smiled. Deaner looked at him, smiled back, and gave him a thumbs up.
Andre decided at that moment he was TOTALLY going. I mean, there was nothing he could do about it now, so…congrats?