Commit To The Bit
Ian stepped to the urinal. He was in the middle of doing his business when the automatic sensor tripped and the urinal shuddered and flushed, spraying him with fresh toilet water.
He flinched but couldn’t jump back without peeing on the floor, so instead just blurted out “What the hell, urinal?”
Then, he heard the sink running behind him. He turned to look as he finished and zipped up and saw some guy he didn’t know who was trying really hard not to look at him.
Ian was pretty sure the guy had overheard his scolding of the urinal, so he figured he had three choices as to how to proceed:
1) Say nothing.
2) Give the guy some lame line like, “Sorry–I don’t usually talk to urinals.”
3) Commit to the bit.
He chose number three.
He stepped to the bank of sinks, put his hands under one of the faucets, and as its sensor activated, Ian washed his hands, saying, “WHAT, sink? You think that’s funny? You and your pal urinal are asking for a pair of knuckle sandwiches.” He shook his fist at the sink, then said, “Yeah, and keep it up, soap dispenser–I got one for you, too.”
He then turned to grab a paper towel. “And don’t look at me like that, paper towel dispenser. You KNOW what YOU did.”
As Ian dried his hands, he turned away from the wall and addressed the entire bathroom.
“You guys are being real dicks today, you know that?”
He disposed of his paper towel and headed out, shaking his head and giving the other guy a “I mean, am I right or what?” look.
The guy responded with a smile that said, “Please, mister: I don’t want any trouble.”
Ian pushed open the door and smiled, happy with his performance. The other guy, who’d just started working there that day, never used that bathroom again, even though it was only a couple of feet from his office.