I Will Or Will Not Do All Of These Things
I will attempt to inflate your tires using only my lung power and assume they’re fully inflated once I get light-headed.
I will rotate the tires four times clockwise.
I will top off your fluids with Lemon-Lime Powerade and Hershey’s syrup, because those things kind of look like antifreeze and motor oil, respectively.
I will not replace your brake pads; I’ll just cut a hole in the floor of your car so you can stop it with your feet, Fred Flintstone-style.
I will replace your cracked windshield with a screen. BOOM–cracked windshield and broken A/C: FIXED.
I will soak your air filter in liquid smoke so your interior smells like burnt cube steak.
I will install your spark plugs upside down, just to see what’ll happen. I bet it’ll be cool.
I will not replace the burnt out headlights; I will duct tape a Maglite to each side of the car.
I will not fix the electronics; instead, I’ll cover the dash with Post-It Notes telling you what would be lighting up and where if the electronics were working.
I will not hammer out the dents; I’ll hammer in everywhere else until the body has a consistent, all-around denty look.
I will or will not do all of these things because I am Mr. Badwrench, and I will jack up your car–GUARANTEED.