The Guy In The Truck
They pulled him over because he had been driving erratically; since they first noticed him swerving back and forth between lanes he’d had at least three near misses with other cars. They just wanted to make sure he wasn’t drunk or having a stroke or something.
But then he started hemming and hawing about producing his license and registration, so the officers asked him to step out of the vehicle so they could inspect it. And that’s when they found it on the front passenger side floor: A plastic grocery bag containing nearly a dozen severed human toes.
The officers cuffed the guy and hauled him downtown, thinking they had possibly just nabbed an unbeknownst-to-anyone-until-now serial killer. It turned out, though, after some research and some calls to a few other precincts, that he was probably the guy who had been breaking into morgues and funeral homes all over the state, cutting toes off corpses (and apparently just saving them in a shopping bag).
When Jenkins and Miller sat him down later that afternoon and asked him what the bag was doing in his pickup, he looked them straight in the eye and said, “Well, fellas, it’s like this: I’ve always wanted to drive a TOE truck.” He quickly followed it up with, “I know, I know: I’m a real HEEL for doing what I’ve done”, and then just started cackling.
As the detectives left the interrogation room rolling their eyes, the man called after them. “That’s OK, guys. I probably shouldn’t say any more without a lawyer anyway. So, if I can’t afford one, the taxpayers will FOOT the bill for me, right?”
In the end, the man was convicted on ten counts of abuse of a corpse, as well as a few counts of perpetrating a groan-inducing pun.
He was sentenced to five years in state prison, to be spent writing headlines for the New York Post.