“OK, everyone–if we could all just grab a seat in the circle of chairs here, we’ll go ahead and get started. I must say I’m very pleased with the turnout! Thank you all for coming. Let’s go ahead and start with introductions. If you could all just state your name and briefly tell us what brought you to the group, that’d be great. I’ll start, and then let’s go to my left and work clockwise around the circle. My name is Kelly Clarkson–yes, spelled the exact same way–and I started this group because…well, I just thought I can’t be the only one out there. And it looks like I was right!”
“Hi. I’m Glenn Stefani, and I’m here because I’m sick of being called a ‘Hollaback Girl’.”
“I’m Brady Gaga. You know, it was always tough living with a weird last name, but the past few years have been–well, it’s been a whole other level.”
“I’m Tony Braxton–Tony with a Y, thank you. I’m here because the next time someone tells me “unbreak my heart”, they’re going to quickly beg me to “unbreak their face”. And I don’t go by Anthony Braxton–I REFUSE. I was Tony Braxton long before that other one was, so I ain’t changin’ for no one.”
“Hear, hear!” called a voice from about the nine o’clock position on the circle. “I’m with ya, pal. I’m gonna be eighty years old in a few months, so you know I was around before She Who Shall Not Be Named. Legend, schmegend–I am not Robert, Rob, or Bobby. I am BOB Restreisand–that’s my name, and I’m stickin’ to it!”
“OK, um, good for you, Bob. My name is Jordan Sparks, and I didn’t even think anything of my name my whole life until–I guess it was about two years ago–I started dating a woman named Blake Lewis. People would snicker when they found out our names. And so, anyway, here I am.”
“Hi y’all. I’m Kerry Underwood, and it looks like we got a little American Idol champ contingent goin’, heh heh. Anyway, I’m here because it’s been hard for me with the name, particularly at work. Jokers call up my trucking company night and day asking if “Jesus ever takes the wheel”, or mock-threatening to “take a Louisville Slugger to both headlights” on one of our fleet. When those calls first came in, I thought they were real threats. It freaked me out!”
The next man stood up. “Hi, my name’s Joe DeSee, and I, um, think I came to the wrong group. Sorry.”
He quietly left the room.
“Hi everyone. My name is Jonas Bourne, and I don’t know anything about God. I want people to stop asking me hypothetical questions about what it would be like if He lived among us.”
“Hi, I’m Lindsey Buckingham, and it’s–”
“I’m sorry, Lindsey”, Kelly cut him off. “But, the other Lindsey Buckingham is a man.”
“Oh, huh. All right, then. Good day, gentlemen.”
Lindsey saluted, picked his jacket up off the back of his chair, and was off.
“Um, hi. I’m Telly Furtado, and I’m NOT like a bird.”
“Hello, all. My name is Sheldon Degeocello, and I’m tired of hearing about the “wild night” or whatever it is.”
“OK–last but not least. I’m John Jett, and the funny thing is, I do love rock-n-roll! But I am tired of being told to put dimes in jukeboxes.”
“OK–thank you all”, Kelly said. “I’m really pleased with this group. I have a good feeling about this.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this–am I right, Kelly?” Kerry cracked.
A couple of the guys laughed. Kelly looked up at Kerry, fire in his eyes.
“Why, I oughta–”
Kelly lunged for Kerry’s neck, latching onto it as the others rose from their seats, the circle collapsing in a free-for-all.
And that was the entirety of the first–and last–meeting of the support group for Guys Who Have Names That Are Very Similar To Those Of Female Pop Stars.