I Make It Work
The hair is itchy. Definitely. That’s not one of my favorite things. I don’t know how dudes who have long beards can stand it. Like those guys in ZZ Top? I don’t know–it drives me nuts. I can’t imagine having to deal with all that twenty-four/seven.
And the fact that the hair comes and goes the way it does? It wreaks havoc on your pores. I’m an adult with the complexion of a fourteen year old.
Also, it kinda bums me out that I can’t enjoy the beauty of seeing a full moon like a normal person. But for me, I go outside to do some stargazing and the next thing you know I’m standing over a mauled animal carcass–or worse, a mauled person–and I’m all covered in blood and with no memory of what the hell happened. I can tell you from experience, that’s not fun. And I once got salmonella poisoning after one of those incidents (that raccoon was in the wrong place at the wrong time), and that’s really not fun.
And I gotta say–with all due respect to the late, great Warren Zevon–I HATE THAT SONG. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s just–I guess the best way I can describe it is, say you’re an architect. And some rock star goes and writes a song about architects, and any time you ever hear that song, everyone around you starts freaking out and pointing at you and they’re all like, “Hey, it’s your song!” That would be kind of annoying, right?
Oh, and by the way? I’m not Wolverine. He’s a made-up comic book character. I don’t have blades that shoot out of my fists or whatever. Just wanted to clarify that. And I’m forty-two years old, so if you refer to me as “Teen Wolf”, prepare to be clawed.
But all those complaints to the contrary, it’s not all bad. I’m not gonna lie–the stereotype, the whole “part man, part animal” thing? It has benefitted me with the ladies from time to time, even with the aforementioned complexion problems.
And speaking of benefits, it has also helped my career. It’s a distinct advantage in business negotiations when the other guy knows that, with one fluid motion, you could literally rip his throat out at any moment.
So, yeah–it’s not a perfect life, but I make it work.