From The Journals of Matthew Spence, Proposed Mars Colony Surveyor
November 5, 2132
Another day on this lonely Mars colony, although I hesitate to even call it a colony at this point, for right now it’s just me, my rover, and my surveying tools, scoping out the best place for us to build this colony: Our last, best hope for mankind.
And then there’s Zilbar.
I first met him (I think it’s a “him”, although it’s hard to tell. I’ve met his–its?–whole family, and, well, they’re aliens. They all look alike. Anyway, I assume he’s a man because of his deep voice and because he appears to be the head of the household. Which, I know, makes me sexist. Give me a break–I’m the only human here and I’m trying to make sense of things the best I can) about two weeks ago, and all I can say for sure is he’s a complete ignoramus.
First of all, I’ve moved my base camp to six different locations in these past two weeks at his request, and yet after every move he still claims I’m “on his property”. I’m starting to think either he believes the entire planet is “his property”, or he’s just messing with me.
And then, at every base camp location I’ve been, he lets his kids ride their noisy dirt bikes around at all hours of the night. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that the kids ride their bikes all night because they are on an “opposite sleep cycle” from me, where my night is their day and vice versa. Which I find hard to believe, seeing as how I went to talk to him at noon “my time” and he and his whole family were dressed and up and about and wide awake.
There was also the time shortly after we first met when I showed him a picture of Sally, Billy, and Tina, and he laughed at them, then, by way of explanation, said “I own a couple space pigs that look kinda like them.”
The last straw, though, was when he showed up intoxicated at my base camp one evening and relieved himself all over the side of my rover while yelling “Here’s your evidence of water on Mars, ya BOOB!” The worst part of it was, alien urine is purple…and about as easy to scrub away as your average red wine stain.
So, one thing is for sure: I’m not telling anyone back on Earth about him. They’d probably want to give him his own TV show, and I can’t imagine how much more obnoxious he’d be if he became an Earth celebrity.
And also, I might kill him.