8thdayfiction

…and on the 8th day, micro fiction was published on some dude's blog.

SOGG-VS

Today, I’m asking for just a few moments of your time to bring you this URGENT MESSAGE.

It is about Sudden Onset Gilbert Gottfried Voice Syndrome, or SOGG-VS, an affliction which strikes literally single digits of people every year.

Chances are you do not know–and will not ever know–someone affected by SOGG-VS, but it can happen to anyone. SOGG-VS strikes without regard to age, race, ethnicity, gender, nationality, or socioeconomic status.

And if it does happen to you or someone you know, trust me–you’ll know it.

Just imagine you or a loved one going to sleep one night…and waking up the next morning inexplicably with Gilbert Gottfried’s voice. It is hard to put into words the trauma caused by SOGG-VS. And when put into words, they are extremely loud and whiny ones.

Imagine being robbed of the ability to whisper sweet nothings into the ear of your significant other, or the ability to confidentially pass on some juicy gossip. Imagine going through life with strangers calling you “Iago” or shouting “AFLAC!” in your general direction. Imagine a life where movie theaters, libraries, churches–any place where hushed tones are the social norm–are suddenly off-limits.

Imagine a life of being asked to “lower your voice”, and the frustration of trying to explain that this is your lowered voice.

If you can imagine any of these things–if you can imagine, just for a moment, what life with SOGG-VS is like–then surely you can understand why we so desperately seek its cure.

And with your help, we can find one. For as little as thirty-five cents a day–less than the cost of a cup of coffee–your gift to the SOGG-VS Fund goes directly to our team of scientists researching this perplexing disorder to find its cause and, ultimately, its cure.

So please–pick up the phone and call today: 1-800-BE-QUIET. Operators are standing by 24/7 to accept your tax-deductible donation. SOGG-VS is a frightening disease, but working together, and with your financial support, we can all TONE IT DOWN.

(“TONE IT DOWN” is a registered trademark of the SOGG-VS Fund, all rights reserved)

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5 thoughts on “SOGG-VS

  1. I believe SOGG-VS’s next appeal should include donations to pay for the Kevlar vests necessary to protect sufferers. Get to work on that.

  2. I’ve never had my ears hurt reading before. This is a serious disease. I will send all my copies of Aladdin to be burned.

    I am just now realizing the sole reason I subconsciously think parrots are annoying is all because of GG.

    • True story: Sometimes at home we put the closed-captioning on the TV so if I’m trying to watch something when Laura is with the babies and they’re making noise (or vice versa) we can still sorta kinda follow what’s happening.

      One time when we had the captioning on, an AFLAC commercial came on, and the entirety of the closed captioning was:

      [DUCK YELLING]

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