One of the things you learn when you work at the North Pole is that the boss can be spontaneous, and when he decides to be spontaneous, you just go with it because, you know–he’s the boss.
Yesterday had been one of those times. Santa had suddenly decided–apropos of nothing and less than two weeks before Christmas–that he wanted to have his own theme music.
He went through his workshop and pulled a handful of elves (who he knew to be musically inclined) off their workstations. He gathered them in his office, where he explained the special project and presented each elf with a handout listing pieces of music he enjoyed that they were to use as “inspiration” for this theme music:
- The People’s Court theme (this is a BIG one–dramatic music, lots of hi-hat, THIS is what I’m looking for! Maybe find out who wrote this and just hire them?)
- Sanford & Son theme
- Barney Miller theme
- The Jeffersons theme song
- Amen theme song
- Doogie Howser, M.D. theme
- Miami Vice theme
- You’re probably seeing a pattern here–yes, I love 70s and 80s TV themes! Maybe just hire Mike Post (if alive/available)?
- “Axel F”
- “Blitzkrieg Bop”
- Ideally, what I’m thinking is some combination of the above
- THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!! -Santa
And then he sent them home early to start working, stating they’d regroup for a “listening session” the next day at 9AM sharp.
“No…no! What is that? It sounds like surf music. We’re at the North Pole, people! Why would I want surf music? Come ON!”
Filbert silenced his guitar, turned off his amp, and hung his head.
The listening session hadn’t been going well from the start. The first order of business had been when Jacky (who was in charge of researching the feasibility of hiring an outside composer) informed Santa that both Mike Post and Alan Tew (the People’s Court theme guy) were alive (as far as they knew) but their exact whereabouts were unknown. Santa (somewhat rightly) replied that, given the nature of their work, it was ridiculous for them to NOT know the whereabouts of ANYONE, and, well–it just devolved from there.
Sally chimed in. “OK, um…well, how about this?” She picked up her bass and played a line.
“Hmm…not bad, not bad…but a little too funky.”
“OK, well, that was actually the exact bass line from the beginning of the Barney Miller theme, which was on the handou–“
“I KNOW what was on the handout!” snapped Santa. He stopped, shut his eyes, and took a deep breath. “OK…OK, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be short with you, it’s just–it’s frustrating because I know what I want, I have the sound in my head but I’m not a musician so I can’t just make it myself and that’s why I asked all of you for your help but I know I’m not communicating what I want very well, so I’m…I’m sorry.”
The elves appreciated the apology, as well as Santa’s honesty in admitting what had been obvious to all of them mere minutes into the session that morning.
Unfortunately, that did not change the fact that it was 8PM and they were exactly zero steps closer to achieving a Santa Theme.
It also didn’t change the fact that, in addition to being spontaneous, Santa was also super stubborn. So when he told them to take five and then immediately got on the phone to order in some pizzas as well as ten elf-sized cots for the theme music workers, the elves realized they were not leaving Santa’s office until they had managed to pry the music Santa was hearing out of his head and into the world.
It was going to be a long night. Like, December 23rd long.