“And you are…?”
“Glenn. Glenn Wiggins.”
“OK, Glenn: Tell us about your entry.”
“OK, well I started with a vintage twelve-pointed tin star I found at a second-hand store. Then, I did a Google Image Search to find a wide-eyed head shot of Paula Deen, and then I printed out a high-resolution copy of it on archival paper. I used an X-Acto knife to cut out Paula Deen’s eyes in the picture and to cut away the background of the photo, then I appliqued the eyeless Paula Deen head to the front of the star.
The next step was to very carefully cut through the tin where Paula Deen’s eye holes were so I could install the lasers inside the star so that they would shoot out of Paula Deen’s eye sockets. This was the hardest part–lots of intricate tin snipping and soldering the laser pointers in place–but it was worth it. It’s the feature I’m most proud of on this. I should also mention that ideally, I would’ve used real lasers–the kind that they use for surgery that can cut through stuff–but for safety and budgetary reasons, I went with the laser pointers instead.
So then, I did another Google Image Search and found these head shots of Carrot Top and Jocelyn Wildenstein, printed out six copies of each–also high res on archival paper, pasted them on some archival card stock to make them a little sturdier, and then, finally, I cut out all twelve of those head shots and glued one to each point of the star in an alternating pattern.
And then I added a little red and green glitter glue here and there, and there you have it.”
“OK, well…that is very…unique. So tell me, Glenn: What makes your entry the Merriest?”
“I’m sorry–what makes it the what?”
“The Merriest. Why is your entry the Merriest Tree-Topper?”
“Oh…um, well…I think I need to go now OK bye now sorry thank you Merry Christmas bye.”
Glenn rushed out of the building, clutching his entry and trying his best to shield it from anyone else’s view while muttering to himself “Idiot! Just take more than two seconds to actually read the flier carefully, Glenn–or use your common sense, man! Why would the YMCA sponsor a Scariest Tree-Topper Contest? Why? Think, dummy–think! COME ON!”