Brandy and the salesman were cruising down the road when she noticed a button on the dashboard.
“Whoa–is that for real?”
“Yeah–go ahead and push it.”
She pushed the button, and the minivan lurched forward and started going about ten miles per hour faster than it had been going.
The salesman noticed that Brandy seemed unimpressed and decided to try to change her mind.
“So, whattaya think of that? Pretty cool, huh?”
“Honestly? No, not really. Seems like kinda false advertising. They should name that button what it is: “Go Kinda Faster” or something. But it’s definitely not “Warp Speed”.”
“No, it’s not, you’re right. Take a closer look at the button.”
She did. “Oh. OK…”Warped Speed”. Um, so…what does that mean?”
“When you press the Warped Speed button, the vehicle automatically either increases or decreases acceleration–depending on how fast you’re going when the button is pressed–so that the van’s speed exactly matches the average speed of the buses used to transport acts around the country that were involved in the Vans Warped Tour from the years 1997 to 2004.”
“Uh, wha–why would anyone want that? It seems pointless.”
“I don’t know. Why do people want climate control in their cars? Does it really make a difference if the interior temperature is seventy-one degrees as opposed to seventy-two? It’s just an extra thing you can get–I don’t know what to tell you other than that.”
“OK, then…so, do you have any sedans with a Lilith Fair Speed button?”
“I was just kidding. But seriously, what else ya got?”
“Well, we can head back to the lot and look some more if you’d like.”
They headed back, and by the end of the day, Brandy had made a purchase: A Certified Pre-Owned Chevy Celebrity equipped with a Monsters Of Rock Speed button.
She was very happy with her choice; that baby could move. Especially for a station wagon.