“Well, Bethany, I’m gonna tell it to ya straight: Your kidneys–both of them–are rapidly failing. Dialysis is no longer effective. Basically, you’ll need a transplant and you’ll need it as soon as possible. Otherwise? Well, I hate to tell you this but otherwise, you don’t have much time. A couple weeks, tops. Do you have any family members who may be willing and able to donate a kidney? Since time is of the essence, that would be your best bet. We’d need to get them in here to run the tests to see if they’d be a match ASAP.”
Bethany looked up at her doctor with tears in her eyes.
“My twin brother Jack is a perfect match. We talked about it a long time ago–when I first got sick–and he’s on board and he already got the tests. And he’s in perfect health, but…neither of us have health insurance. We can’t afford it. I’m already thousands and thousands of dollars in debt for the treatment I already got.” She put her head back down and started quietly sobbing.
“Well, in that case, there is another option…that doesn’t involve surgery.”
Bethany looked back up at her doctor. “How would you do a transplant without surgery?”
“Well, this is going to sound strange, but…we can do it by gerrymandering.”
And so they did. At the behest of Dr. Coles, the Board of Directors of St. Vincent Hospital convened an emergency meeting in which they voted unanimously in favor of a resolution redistricting the body of Jack Ogilvie so that his left kidney henceforth would belong to and function as part of the body of Bethany Ogilvie.
Bethany was released from the hospital the next day, her health already vastly improved. Jack was simply instructed via telephone to follow up with his family doctor to see what precautions he should take from now on as he’d be living with only one kidney.
But then, two weeks later, Bethany received a chilling letter in the mail from St. Vincent Hospital, which read:
Dear Bethany Ogilvie,
It has recently come to our attention that a man who went by the name of “Dr. Oren Coles” had infiltrated the hospital grounds posing as a “doctor of kidney stuff”.
“Dr. Coles” is, in fact, a wanted fugitive (real name: Henry Burnsides) who has outstanding warrants in several states for a number of misdemeanors and felonies, including attempted murder, cyberstalking, and check kiting. He has since been apprehended and is being held without bail pending a preliminary hearing.
Mr. Burnsides does not possess any medical expertise and has had no medical training. He is not qualified to give an opinion on any medical issue, much less advise patients in various stages of renal failure.
It has also come to our attention that Mr. Burnsides advised at least one patient–and possibly more–that they could obtain a new kidney without going through transplant surgery by simply “gerrymandering” another’s kidney. In fact, there is no such procedure, and any claims made by Mr. Burnsides to the contrary–including any claims Mr. Burnsides made about meeting with the St. Vincent Hospital Board of Directors to pass any so-called “redistricting resolutions”–are patently false.
If you have recently “received” a “gerrymandered kidney” and have been feeling better since “receiving” it? Well, that’s probably just psychological. Sorry.
We deeply regret this breach of security and strongly urge any patient of ours who had been “treated” by “Dr. Coles” to IMMEDIATELY seek medical attention.
We pride ourselves on the top-notch care our hospital provides to all our patients. We consider this incident a regrettable one, but not one that is representative of the type of care one can expect to receive at St. Vincent, and we hope you will consider us for the medical attention of which you are now desperately in need.
Yours In Good Health,
Chief Executive Officer, St. Vincent Hospital
Bethany fainted from shock the moment she finished reading the letter, and she died the next day.
SO, DON’T EVER GO TO ST. VINCENT HOSPITAL! THEY DON’T HAVE ANY SECURITY!
PASS THIS STORY ALONG TO ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO NEEDS A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE BETHANY MADE!!!
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Please disregard the above story. I looked it up on snopes.com, and it’s not true. Sorry about that.]